i am trying to take advantage of the less then two weeks i have left regularly watching my nephew... i get very bored with the internet (i need to make more blogging friends because i do enjoy these) but i try to take a break from wedding planning, scheduling, phone calling, and just be. during his naps this gives me a chance to actually sit, and write, and reflect on many things but right now i am writing my life story... some on paper, and some just in my head that i eventually hope will make it to paper, if for nothing else then to store it on my art desk in a beautifully organized mess. while doing this i have recalled many funny stories from my childhood (samples to come later i'm sure) and investigating my relationships with people. i have found that no matter how good or bad things seem to be i feel really blessed when it comes to the people in my life and that life (my life) boils down to the quality of these relationships. and when something doesn't feel right, or my feelings get hurt, or i offend someone else i like to step back and figure out how or why that happened. maybe i am sensitive in certain situations, but maybe some people don't take the time to think about what they say before they say it. their comment could have nothing to do with me and all to do with their bad attitude, or confusion, or hurt. i love going back to the four agreements (great, simple read, i recommend it) two of the four agreements are this; 1. don't take anything personally, and 2. don't make assumptions.
it seems so simple yet so hard to practice on a regular basis. as human beings we sometimes take things personally, we judge people, and feel judgement coming back at us, and we make assumptions about anything.
i am trying to practice these things daily. if i get offended i question why a particular thing hurt me and more often times then not it must have something to do with me clinging to my ego and expecting things to turn out a certain way when they don't there is frustration. but when i take a step back, breathe, and realize there is another person involved, and they must be dealing with their own list of things, i feel comforted by the fact that i don't have to waste any more brain power thinking about that situation. i can not change anybody else, and i can only control what i do and how i react to things.
this is something i am trying to teach the girl i mentor. she is incredibly impulsive but can articulate the difference between "right and wrong" but falls short on achieving even short term goals. these are new concepts to her and trying to practice it myself and teach her at the same time is tricky but it's an interesting process none the less.
this is one of those posts that maybe no one is interested in, and that is okay. i hope you are getting a chance to enjoy this weather, and reflect on your self from time to time. also, wear sunscreen. bye.
I drove to Wichita for a work conference and although it was about 98* out, the drive was full of sunshine and great clouds like these. The conference was about juvenile justice and all the things wrapped up in to that category (gangs, sexual exploitation of youth, jail, and intervention programs like the one I work for). It's an under appreciated field, and there's not a lot of money in it, but the work is pure, tough, and life changing. There was a priest there that works with ex-gang members in LA and started his own Homeboy Industries (they have a cool website if you're interested) and the work he does is so intense and he left us with a great feeling of passion, and if you enjoy what you do every day (or at least most days) than that's a great thing. And the hopeless need hope. 
I had spent two nights in a hotel by myself with no dogs and no books, by the end of the day I had little energy to write or read anyways. So some mindless t.v. and a few pictures documenting my state of mind. I think our connection to our body is very interesting. How some people are consumed with clothes, and hair, and whatever else. Don't get me wrong those are all nice things, but they are not who we are as people. And the things people notice about your appearance because we are a very visually driven society. Recently, someone told me I looked like Lindsay Lohan. Now at first I may have been a little offended, but then it hit me that this woman has rarely seen another person with freckles so she just equated the fact that we both have freckles. Like me and Evangeline Lily both have dark hair (someone also told me I looked like her, but we were in the process of possibly buying his house so I think it was just a good selling tactic). Believe it or not, but I sometimes forget that I have freckles. And that every year I have recieved more and more freckles, and to see a home video of me when I was eleven, I had set up the video camera on the edge of the table so I could run through the list of impressions I was learning... true story. But at the time I did not have one single freckle on my neck or chest, just emerging all over my face. It's interesting how some days I can feel so connected with my body and every move that I make, and other days I feel I live more through my mind and the idea of "living from the inside out". I want to accept my body for all that it is and all that it is not but also that feeling of just living and not getting wrapped up in those little things.
